orange sunday

There are times, when I’m on my own or when I am moved by something, that I think about how normal my life is and how normal a person I am that when someone talks about me, there really is nothing to be moved about. It makes me put myself in the shoes of a movie’s character for instance, and imagine how my life would have been like. Would I have been someone else if that had happened? Would I have been a more grounded person than I am now? Would I have been happier? But no matter how I force myself to pretend that my life is indeed unlike the normal, it gets more normal. What is normal anyway? Is it a boring routined life? I wake up at six thirty in the morning, stay in bed for thirty minutes, reflect or just stare at the ceiling, move around the room, take a bath, go to school, listen in class, pretend to be listening in class, yawn, scribble, dream, eat brunch, take a break, laugh, tease, laugh, frown, complain, sigh, drag myself to another class, nod, be amazed, eat, walk, sleep, eat, study, read, sleep. Routine. Is it boring? Yes, at times it is. Is it difficult? Yes, especially since I feel that being around people is such hard work. Why? You have to laugh at their jokes, put up with their unending teases, read their minds and somehow predict what their next move is. When someone suddenly does something new, you stop and think about why it came to that, and so you shield yourself, just to be safe, to not get hurt again. When an old flame suddenly contacts you and tells you that he prefers to not smile anymore, you worry for a while but get back at him and tell him that you’re relieved he isn’t smiling like he used to, even though his smile was what brightened your day then. You pretend. I pretend. And it’s difficult. It’s hard. To have to smile even when you aren’t in the best shape sucks out all the energy in your body. It makes your stomach yearn for food, for comfort, for reassurance that they can see through your pretense and despite that, they will still be there for you no matter what. It’s tiring. My life is tiring. Though this is how I want it to be. I complain nonetheless. Why again? That’s easy, because I want fate to go against me. I want to fight for something, work hard to reach a dream written in the sky. I want something more out of my current life. I want something new to come along. It’s boring-what I’m doing.

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2 thoughts on “orange sunday

  1. I know what you mean.
    I keep finding myself in the same mundane cycle doing the same things over and over again. The funny thing is that I think I’m being productive, that this week was different than the last. I went clubbing one week and the other, I stayed at home but when I look at the past few months, nothing sticks out. I can’t pick anything out because every day is more or less the same. It’s all the same, I just convince myself otherwise.
    See, you’re miserable because you’re bored.
    You have to remember that when you have a challenge thrown in your way or something that you think you may not ever achieve, you’ll wish you were back to your boring life because then, at least things were stable and predictable. Unless you prefer to live in an exciting, dynamic world.
    I find that when I’m in one, I’ll always yearn for the other.

    • but I can’t really say for sure…I mean, I haven’t gotten to half of my life yet…I still have a lot ahead of me…and getting bored this early is just not what it should be…I should be having fun and getting bored later on…oh but wait…getting bored before having fun is…hmmm…much better…I think…but the thing is…I get lazy when things become boring…and it just gnaws at me…this laziness and boring plain life…nothing exciting coming my way…it sucks…it’s tiring…but I’ve also noticed that when something new does come along, I hate it…it’s like my antibodies react to a new unknown organism that entered my system…and I get all these rashes and allergic reactions…I go crazy trying hard to push away that new thing…and when I get tired…I just accept it and move on with my life…getting more boring by the minute…

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