I am an idiot

A few days ago, I came to watch “3 Idiots”, a Hindi film about three idiots. (Okay, seriously, that’s got to be the lamest description I’ve ever made about something. ) Moving on. Aside from the value of friendship, the main message of the film is to chase your real dreams. You’ll never be good at anything if it’s not something that you love to do. So chase your dreams, however impractical it is. This struck me because I was like one of the characters who was taking engineering because he was forced to. No, I wasn’t forced by my parents to take up Psychology. They couldn’t care less what course I took. I forced my self to take this course. I forced my self to stay in this course. And the only reason is because I have no idea what I exactly want. Until now, I have not seen the clear picture of what I really want to be.

Yesterday, I asked my boyfriend about what he thinks I should be doing, but he only said, “You tell me.” I wish I could tell him. But my mind is a blank slate. I do not know what it is that I really love to do.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a scientist. And that was only because it sounded right for a kid enrolled in a Science Elementary School to wish to become a scientist. Later, I told myself I wanted to become a doctor, a pediatrician, specifically. Why? Because during those times, I regularly visited the hospital and so I kept seeing our doctor who was thin but pretty and kind. I liked her and her toy filled clinic. Thus I wanted to become a pediatrician.

In high school, I wanted to become a writer. I loved to read books during my teenage years, and with reading comes the urge to write. I wrote short stories and even joined a forum for budding writers. I was praised and critiqued by the members of the forum and I loved the experience. I felt so high. Later, I decided I didn’t want to become a writer for if writing became a chore, I would not love it anymore.

College came and inspired by computer games and anime, I wanted to become a computer programmer or if not, an animator. But it’s too late to become one. I cannot afford to stay longer in college and I fear I may not be able to handle the requirements of the course such as Calculus and the likes.

And so here I am, stuck in Psychology, a course I have no opinion about. It’s interesting, that’s that.

Ding! I realized just now that I actually made a dream for myself, something that I could build my life around when I’ve gone and graduated from college. I told myself to become a pattesier, because pastries are cute.

But what is it really that I love to do? To write? To bake?  What am I an expert of? Art? Nah. I’m always just mediocre of everything or if not, I suck at it. “Do not settle for mediocrity”, they say. Yeah. Easier said than done.

Until then, I shall strive to get passed college and then maybe, just maybe, It’ll come to me when I most need it.


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