Ever since I became a full fledged mom, I haven’t been having regular dreams. Well, primarily because I’m awake most of the time. But in times when I do get some sleep, I have these weird nightmarish and disturbing dreams. As far as I can remember, I’ve had two of these and both all involved my baby duck.
The first one was set at home. It wasn’t physically similar to the place that I call home right now, but it felt like it in the dream world. Anyway, some high school batchmates came and visited wanting to take a look at my baby. They played with him for a while and when I saw that they weren’t handling him well, I took my baby duck and proceeded to give them a tour around the house. We then came upon a pathway. We then came upon a newly constructed room. We looked inside and it was a shower room, similar to those in public pools. The ceiling was particularly high and everything smelled new. We went on and the pathway led to a church. Again, the ceiling was high and the church appeared narrow. There were large wooden statues of saints which were all dark brown in color. At the end of the church was a large black bible which lay open on a stand. Behind it was a long table covered with white cloth similar to those in churches. An old looking chandelier hanged from the ceiling. I felt spooked when I saw the church. I can’t quite recall what we did in the church but it sure made an old woman in a black dress get mad. The scene changed and it showed my baby in a classic stroller at the side of the pathwalk. The scene changed again and the old lady was in front of the church. I was in a panic and sensed that she was going to go after my baby duck. I ran. My boyfriend ran. We ran. We ran and ran until we became frantic. We searched for the old lady and then saw her walking towards an open sewer with our baby in her arms. The water from the sewer rose and engulfed her and our baby. I was crying, screaming, and panicking so much the veins in my neck were about to burst. And then a large head appeared and talked to us about something I can’t quite remember. And then she made us choose between the past and the future. We chose the future. Our baby then emerged from the water safe and sound.
My second and latest dream also involved me being frantic. I needed to get to my baby duck because it was time to feed him but the roads were under construction. And so no one wants to drive me to where he was because the other way was too far. I desperately ask help from people and again, become frantic. After a while, someone finally decides to help me. I ride this person’s car and the dream ends.
These dreams are odd. I’ve never had such painful and depressing dreams before. In both instances I felt so much despair, desperation, and all things one could possibly feel when separated from their child. These feelings speak so much of my feeling of incompetence as a parent. I feel I haven’t been performing well enough and that someday something might happen to my baby duck because of my mishaps. I know I’m just digging my own grave by having these feelings but there are times when my positive feelings die out and my fears sink in. I’m doing all I can to become a great parent but when frustrations pile up, I lose myself and for that short silent moment, I feel like a hen cackling in panic as she loses sight of her chick.